I have a friend in the US who I've never met, but we get on extremely well whenever we talk, and I like to think we're close; I hope to spend time with him one day. Yet that day might never come. He has a genetic defect in his heart, which means it's likely to stop working in his mid-40's, or else leave him with maybe a decade more than that but with crippled senses.

Another friend, this time in the UK, is someone who I've only just started talking to again recently, but I've known him for a long time -- again, we used to be close, and at one point there was the possibility of a relationship. This person was in a traffic accident. A piece of metal is lodged in his head, in such a position that it cannot be removed. If it moves even slightly, it could cause serious brain damage or death.

A third person is someone I've only encountered recently, and I've yet to meet him in person, though he doesn't live too far away. We got on well almost immediately. However, he wants to join the armed forces, and go to war. I've been trying to treat him well, because I'm afraid he'll ship out and not come home alive -- and if the last words I spoke to him were harsh, I don't know if I could cope with that.

I have to consider the impending death of family members, as well. While my grandparents are in good health, they are old, and I cannot envisage them keeping on for many more years. They have done a great deal for me, especially when I was a child; unfortunately I won't be getting to see them this Xmas, as they're going to my mum's place early this year, and I'm going a bit later than usual. Even my parents are getting on; my mother's approaching her 60th year (as impossible as that seems), and my father -- who I haven't seen since he moved to Northern Ireland with his new partner -- is somewhat older than that.

Other friends that I've known for ages but not seen in some time seem so noticably to have aged; of course this is obvious and inevitable, but it inexorably reminds me of lost youth, and the fact that age, maturity, whatever you want to call it, does not necessarily improve one's situation. I often reminisce to my time in college as a happy period of my life, but I left that establishment a decade ago. Since then I often feel like I've been lost, and god knows I don't feel like a presumably responsible adult approaching 30 years of age.

I don't know if it's the time of year or some other factor, but I've been very depressed of late, as the brooding-on-mortality tone of this post might indicate. It's a self-defeating pattern of thought, but I feel worse for feeling bad because my situation in life is, if not brilliant, then at least reasonably stable; a good number of people I know are having all manner of difficulties at this time of year, from losing jobs to serious illness and all points in between.

A number of friends, and indeed my mother as well, have suffered from depression of more or less severity, and out of respect for their wishes, most will remain anonymous. One person I will mention, though, is my longtime friend and absolute star, footpad. This is not the place to heap a ton of praise upon him, but at least some of that is deserved for dealing with his depression in a more-or-less public manner, something which I am trying to emulate with this post.

An exemplary recent post from him is The slippery slope, which made me begin looking for books -- I love books, above many other things -- that might help me understand and deal with this situation. While I've yet to read the one he mentions, Against Depression by Peter Kramer, or one I recall him talking about some time ago, The Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon, thanks to Amazon's recommendations after adding those two to my wishlist, I found some related books which hold a great deal of promise.

A little preamble: my stepdad, with whom I feel closer than my biological father, has also suffered from depression, but benefited immensely from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), and recommended that I look into it myself. Being interested in Eastern contemplative traditions, including but not limited to Buddhism and Taoism, I wondered if the practices of these could have applications to mental disorders, given their focus on the mind. Indeed, some of the moderately esoteric things I have tried seem to have met with some success, though it's too early to really comment on those in depth.

However, I discovered the existence of something called Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT), an approach combining the meditative elements of Buddhism et al. with aspects of CBT. It seems this has only been developed in recent years, but has met with an immense amount of success. I have begun to read two books on the subject; the first I got was Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy: Distinctive Features by Rebecca Crane, which elucidates an equal number of points on the theoretical and practical elements of this therapy. One of the most interesting points about this is that it seems to have been developed for people with exactly my condition: those who have experienced periods of serious, potentially suicidal depression interspersed with times of feeling reasonably okay, who are worried about, and prone to, relapse.

The second and most recent book I got was The Mindful Way Through Depression, by Drs. Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, and Jon Kabat-Zinn, themselves the creators of MBCT. (It comes with a CD of guided meditations, also.) I only started reading this last night, at a point when I was feeling particularly bad, and already I feel it is one of the best and most useful I have read; I think it came at just the right time, and it's something I'm going to enthusiastically recommend to others.

While I undoubtedly have an appreciation for spiritual matters, and that these are often couched in mystical and/or poetic language, the tone used in this book is refreshing; it is direct and clear without being forceful, and kind without being condescending or patronising. The vast majority of what's been said makes complete sense, and illustrates patterns of thinking that turn normal negative emotions into depression; interestingly, a lot of it shares points in common with Dr. Peter Fenner's Radiant Mind course, which I've mentioned before. While I do not imagine I will ever be completely free of depressive illness, I feel this new therapy is something that will greatly help. It's something I've had to do for myself, though, as (like many) I feel that I have been somewhat failed by the mental health care system here; while I have a fair degree of support, and certainly plenty of medication, there's been little in the way of actual therapy for quite some time. I feel that MBCT could change that. So there's some hope yet; and I feel a little better, at least, for writing.

I've been meaning to write here for a few days, but I've had some kind of nonspecific cold-y flu-y thing that I'm just starting to get over. Anyways, I've kept in reasonably good spirits, and I thought I'd share some information on what I'm going to be doing, both in the near future and next year.

First of all, I've applied to do two courses with the Open University, who I've studied with several times in the past. Starting in February, I'll be studying the short course Start listening to music; this should provide me with some background in music theory that I've been lacking in the past, and plus it should be a pretty fun subject to study. I've loved music all my life, and I think it'd be interesting to learn about new approaches to listening to it.

In May, I'll be taking Digital worlds: designing games, creating alternative realities, which I'm really looking forward to; having been into games in a big way for the better part of two decades, this covers game culture, design, and theory, along with having practical applications. According to friends that are either studying degrees in the subject or actually working in the games industry (fuzzylu, bluewoozle, I'm looking at you here), it looks like a good course, plus I believe you get to keep the software -- Game Maker Pro -- at the end of it. I have some crazy idea of getting into indie game design, but whether that's more than a pipe dream at this point remains to be determined.

That's not the end of the courses I'm planning to take. I've got in touch with Red Tape Studios, who I studied a course with before (though I was unable to complete it due to circumstances beyond my control); I've applied to re-do the course on Computer Music Production -- basically an introduction to Logic Pro 8 -- I was unable to complete previously, along with the NCFE DJ skills course. Both are portfolio-based and you receive a certificate at the end, which I think would give me a great sense of achievement, as well as something tangible to express my skills. I've applied for two even shorter courses at Red Tape, though they aren't listed on the website, only in the printed prospectus they sent me: one is on Keyboard and Music Theory Skills, which would be great as I've been making music for years now and I only have the vaguest notion of theory -- and I sure as hell can't play a keyboard. The other is called 'Mix Surgery', and involves ways of using Pro Tools and Logic to achieve a specific sound. Seeing as I still master everything in Cool Edit Pro (now Adobe Audition, but I still use the old version), I could probably make some progress here.

It's also worth mentioning at this point that I've finally put something up on electricdog.tv; it's not much, but it's better than the 'coming soon' page that's been there for years, or the cryptic message I had up; I forget which was more current. Anyway, mattlazycat, a good friend of mine and an awesome designer to boot, recommended I take a look at Blueprint CSS to make a better site; this seems to be a simple and elegant way to make a fairly simple site design quickly, and it looks promising -- I just hope it's not beyond my ability to learn how to best use it. I did initially try browsing ThemeForest at the suggestion of another friend, but I couldn't find one that suited my needs, though I was prepared to pay. I eventually settled on slightly reworking a free theme I found elsewhere; it'll do for now, I suppose.

I've also set up a new website for my music on BandCamp. I'll probably make an announcement of this in a post of its own, but I wanted to mention it anyway; this is almost certainly going to be the main source for new music from me for the forseeable future. Everything on there -- and, according to mikosquirrel, I'm hella productive, though putting things out at the rate I do feels normal for me -- is free of charge to download in a wide variety of formats, and everything is issued under a Creative Commons license. Thanks must also go to realityclinic and shirosirius for allowing me to pillage their Flickr accounts for cover art.

Another thing to mention, although I'm planning to make a post about this on its own, I've recently rekindled an interest in Taoism, and the martial arts, particularly Tai Chi Chuan and Qigong. I've got quite a number of books on these and related subjects (including the Confucian 'classics'), and without going into too much detail, it's influenced my thinking quite a lot. There is a lot to like in Taoism, for me, and it's something I've had an interest in for many years; many texts and periods of Chinese history point towards a syncretic unity of Buddhism, Taoism, and Confucianism, and indeed these three seem far more complementary than contradictory. Anyway, I'll go into more detail on this at some point; I just wanted to give mention to it.

Finally, I might be a bit scarce on the internets for the next couple of weeks. I have a hell of a lot going on; tonight ahsha is arriving and staying here for a few days -- I've not seen him in about 5 years(!) so it should be good. Next Wednesday I'm out in town as usual, then on the Thursday my mum and stepdad are visiting for the day, to bring some stuff, do some shopping, and generally just so we can spend time together; on Friday another friend's visiting for the weekend, the Tuesday after that I'm seeing my occupational therapist, Wednesday is town again, then on the Friday I'm planning to go visit kyu_diary and imperial_wolf. The weekend after that, tungro is meant to be visiting; I've not seen him in a long time either, and I'm really looking forward to it. The weekend after that, if I'm still in Sheffield, I'll be seeing friends, and once that's over I'll be going to my folks' for 2 or 3 weeks for Xmas/New Year stuffs. On top of that, I have a bunch of games to be getting on with as well as a lot to read, so the majority of my free time is going to be occupied -- though no doubt pleasantly, I hasten to add.

I had another date with torque_tiger last Thursday, and that ( went pretty well. )

Since then, and in general since I last wrote, things have been fairly quiet. I've generally been feeling alright, though, and while things have been going more slowly than I'd like, I've managed to get some stuff done. I finished X-Men Origins: Wolverine (and will review that at some point), and I think I'm already used to my new phone -- it now has this snowleopard as a wallpaper, music from Lost Odyssey for the ringtone/message alert, and the theme from Persona 4 for the alarm. (It's awesome in a massively geeky way.)

Talking of massively geeky things, I've been given links to a couple of nifty sites. Manga Fox has, well, manga (foxes optional; though beware occasional ad redirects) for free, including some pretty popular series, and Crunchyroll does much the same thing for anime.

Finally, because it's Music Monday (at least on twitter), I figured I'd post a couple of links. Indie Paws is a blog with a good selection of posts and quite a substantial number of free mp3's, which is always a good thing. (Also, m'friend Mag [edit: magrcon] writes for it from time to time.) I've also been listening to some Fall of Efrafa, and at that link their entire discography is available for free.

Despite a messed-up sleep pattern, things have been going pretty well for me recently. There's quite a lot to talk about, certainly beyond the scope of a single post; but here, I mainly want to talk about one particular day, and one particular person, which made me really happy.

( Friday )

There's two things I've noticed with torque_tiger that I've not really felt in a while. First, he's given me some gentle encouragement at things, and given me more confidence in myself. So far, it's not been in anything of great significance; he convinced me to play Rock Band on Expert -- and I did pretty well -- and persuaded me to give DDR a try again after a really long break. Secondly, there's a thing in Buddhism called mudita, usually translated as 'sympathetic joy', and I think I've felt that here; I feel proud of Torque, rather than envious of him, when I watch him play games very skilfully, and (more importantly) I admire him as a person, particularly that he aspires to become a doctor.

I've got another person to thank, too; Toroka (confusingly, he was also/previously known as Torque) for introducing us to each other, and for having been a good friend for more years than I care to count. With torque_tiger, I've found, at the very least, a good friend who lives locally and shares a lot of my interests; yet, although it may be a little premature, I really hope that something more comes of it. He's a really sweet guy, and I could see things working out for us.

Well, I haven't written here in a while. First thing to note is that I'm going away to my mum's for Xmas/New Year tomorrow, and so for that period I'll be online substantially less often; on the other hand, I'll be spending time with my family (including Neil's mum and my grandparents), and I should hopefully also get to see massivesustain and shirosirius.

( With that out of the way... )

Finally, I'd been considering getting a new music game after Xmas, but with GH: World Tour, Rock Band and RB2 all having different instruments with them, I wasn't sure whether I'd end up having to buy several peripherals if I wanted to play more than one game. Fortunately, someone (can't remember who, sorry!) linked me to Joystiq's Instrument Compatibility Matrix. Having tried at least 3 different guitar controllers on the 360, I think the best choice would be to get GH: World Tour with the guitar, and pick up both Rock Band titles on their own. [edit: I think I'll just get RB2, as apparently -- thanks Toroka -- if you want the songs from the original Rock Band, it costs 400 XBL points and 1.7gb of space to copy them for use in RB2. Any downloaded songs for either game work with RB2, though, so it's not like I'd be losing out on very much -- plus RB2 has more songs on the disc and better options anyway.]

That's about all the news I have, really. Though a lot of my focus lately has been on games, I've still been keeping up with reading Buddhist books (I got some last week, and I'm still trying to sort everything out with Wisdom so I can get the lost shipment replaced and delivered to my mum's) and various other interests. The only other thing I need to do today is pick up a repeat prescription from the doc's, to ensure I have enough meds to cover me for however long I'm away.

It's my first public post in a little over a week -- twitter nonwithstanding, and autoposting that still isn't working -- and I wanted to talk about the weekend just gone, which was particularly good, especially the Sunday.

( Saturday wasn't bad either, but not much happened. )

In the next few days, I need to work on the final project for my photography course; I've selected the 10 images I want to use, but I still have three questions to answer at ~200 words each, and it needs to be in before next Monday. I've also some work to do on my arts course before Monday evening, but that's less pressing. Ideally before I go out tomorrow, the books from Wisdom will be delivered, and I'll have time to burn a DVD for lord_kook, as he's going to do some mixing and possibly other work on my album CityZen when he has time.

The last couple of days have been quite busy, but I think on the whole good. I've been spending time with friends, and going out more than I usually do, though perhaps I could have done more. I feel really grateful to the people I spent time with, too, and with a bit of luck I'll see them again soon.

( The details )

In general it's been quite a contrast between feeling grateful and enjoying time with friends, and feeling very tired/unwell. I'm still not at my best today, but I need to do as much of my uni work as I can manage; I have to do the first half of chapter 2 in the textbook, which is on contemporary Western poetry. I'm behind with the photography course as well, but that's just stuff I have to read online -- I don't think we have the instructions for the final project (worth 90% of the mark, the test I mentioned previously was worth the other 10%) yet, and that's not due in until early December anyway. Hopefully I can manage it; I feel quite stressed about it, though I'm sure it's not going to be the end of the world if I'm a little bit behind -- I've just not found the time since my last tutorial when I've been both feeling okay and not otherwise occupied.

So, it's been a while since I last wrote, and I've got a few things to put up here. Unfortunately I've been feeling pretty down for the most part, though things have been better the last couple of days. Anyway, the first thing to mention is some good news: I scored 80% on the test on my photography course, which was a higher mark than I expected. I'm also doing quite well on the arts course, and had a tutorial by phone on Wednesday of last week; this was very helpful, and although it may be tricky to find time to do the work I need to do before the next tutorial on Monday, I'm more confident about the course as a whole. We also discussed the possibility of aiming for a diploma or a degree, and I think the former is certainly attainable; I need to either look online for a qualification to aim for or call up to get the Arts and Humanities Prospectus.

( There's some more good things to say as well. )

Finally, there's still the idea of going to Manchester at the weekend with gothicwhitewolf; however, for various reasons I won't go into (though not least among them, being behind with uni work) I'm not 100% sure if I'm going to be able to go. The plan is for him to come here tomorrow evening and we'll stay in Sheffield overnight, and then go to Manchester earlyish on the Saturday, staying the night and returning on Sunday. I'm perfectly happy to spend time with him tomorrow, but it's the Saturday that I have some problems with. I'll talk it out and see if some solution can be reached, but I may end up just coming back home; he was going to go anyway, and stay the night, so it shouldn't be a great loss if I don't make it.

This evening the plan has suddenly transpired is to go see kitsunefury for a while. We're meeting in town and going back to his place -- I've not been before -- for however long. I really need to get back here tonight rather than staying over as I've quite a few things to do. For now I should get something to eat and take a shower, then maybe make a start on uni work.

So, this has been a pretty awesome weekend. I've got a lot done, and I'm feeling generally in a positive frame of mind. Hopefully things will continue in this vein; for now at least, I figured I'd make a record of what's been going on.

( I guess it starts with Friday night. )

Overall, it's been a very good weekend. Although at the moment I'm far from depressed, my stepdad sent me a link to a very good article by Clare Allan, on the Guardian site: One of the very worst features of depression is the impossibility of communicating the reality you are in to anyone outside it.

I've taken out a paid membership for 3 months for my DeviantArt account, as well as having put a couple more pictures up there. Hopefully it'll be worthwhile; it's good karma if nothing else. Along similar lines, I wanted to give a regular small donation to Soma FM as I listen so often, but there's a bit of trouble with PayPal at the moment (it's set up with my mum's card, and we can't remember the password) so I've not been able to do that as of yet. I did a little more work on the computer though -- freed up a load of space by deleting crap I never use, and installed all the old Fallout games to have another play through.

Also, I've been meaning to update my profile, since they changed the layout, but I haven't found time for that yet. I'll make a note when it's changed; for now I should get something to eat and go to sleep.

At the risk of sounding a touch schizophrenic, the situation since my last post has vastly improved. On Thursday, I was still feeling bad and decided to have an early night; for whatever reason I decided I'd select another book to read, and picked out volume four of Thomas Cleary's Classics of Buddhism and Zen, a series of compiled translations. I started reading the first text in the book, Transmission of Light (Denkoroku) and I was somehow able to focus on it with great clarity, and it seemed quite profound. After having read several chapters, I went to sleep peacefully.

( The next day went well. )

There's a couple of minor downsides though. I had a couple of great photo opportunities while I was out, but unfortunately the only camera I had with me was out of juice, and I didn't have enough batteries on me to replace them. I'm also a bit annoyed at myself for not getting DS puzzle game Professor Layton and the Curious Village (or at least asking them to hold onto it for me) when I saw a cheap preowned copy of it; by the time I phoned this morning, it'd already been sold. I also seem to have totally mislaid the rest of the huge pack of AAA batteries I bought, so there's no more power for my small camera or mp3 player until I have opportunity to get some more next week, or they turn up somehow.

I also managed to sleep forever today (well, was up earlyish, then somehow managed to nap from about 2:30 to 7:30) and my back's rather sore -- possibly as I've not gotten around to doing any yoga in a while, due to not feeling good. Hopefully I'll continue to feel better and get more done over the next few days; I'm really looking forward to the end of next week and visiting my folks again, as I could do with a bit of a break. For now though, sleep.

Another week, another update, I guess. On the whole, things have been good since I last wrote; today's been a pretty lazy day, though I did just get out of the shower after dying my hair again -- a darker red this time, which I'm not sure I'm as keen on Scratch that, it's a reddish/purplish brown and I hate it, I'll have to buy better dye tomorrow -- and, of course, it's afforded me time to write here.

( My week, then. )

At home, I've been using my notebook to chat to a couple of friends with video and audio via Skype; I was surprised at how effortless it was to get it all working, and it feels like closer contact than talking over IM or whatever. It was good to hear Russ' voice again, and I spent a good while talking to huskion one night as well; among other things, we talked about NEET and Hachikō. Subsequently he linked me to some interesting things about where he lives: some myths about Poland and this picture of the British Embassy in Warsaw.

That's pretty much everything that's been happening, and I think we should be having dinner soon. There's not a lot planned for the weekend, though hopefully I'll be seeing actively_lazy for a bit tomorrow afternoon [edit: due to a mistake with the buses, he's not able to visit as it'd not be worth it for the little time he'd be able to spend here, so we'll have to make it another time] and with luck, I'll see shirosirius before I go back home some time next week. (I'm thinking luck maybe isn't on my side at the moment though.)

So, after a week or so at my mum's, I figured it was time to write. The journey here was easy, and I managed to pick up the latest issue of Wired en route; although I've been unable to subscribe (only one place near me ever seems to get it in, and it's inconvenient to go there; no website seemed to have it) I found that Wired UK will be relaunching next year, so that could well be interesting.

( While I've been here... )

Plans for the rest of my stay -- which is going to be at least another 10 days -- include going to the Royal Armouries to see an exhibition of movie arms and armour, and a bit of shopping to hopefully get a mod for my DS letting me play homebrew software and emulators etc. For the most part I'm planning just to take it easy, see friends if I can, and try and enjoy myself.

[edit: changed my journal style -- hit up electricdog.livejournal.com to see]

[edit2: I am troubled by this error message: (drivel:5139): Drivel-WARNING **: Throbber animation not found]

Today was markedly better than I was expecting it to be. My sleep is still troubled though, and I felt very tired despite not waking until about 1:30pm. After that I basically killed time online and started work on some completely new music; I doubt I'll finish it before I leave though. I worked on that until was time to go to the doc's, which was largely unremarkable, though I now have about 2 1/2 months' supply of meds, including some antihistamines to help with this constant coughing and sneezing from hayfever.

The evening, on the whole, ( was a lot more interesting )

I'm also pleased to say there's been some progress on the relationship front, specifically with laini. Although we've yet to meet in person, we've spoken extensively online (by text and voice) and known each other for a long time, and we've decided (at least provisionally) to get together. It feels a little fragile, as these things always do at the outset, but I'm sure it'll be better once we get to spend some time together IRL. I know he's having a bit of a hard time lately, and I hope we'll be able to support each other through times like that; if nothing else, it's nice to know there's someone who will always care.

I should sleep, soon. I need to pack tomorrow before I go away to my mum's; I'm really looking forward to spending some time there, and I'll probably write again while I'm visiting. I feel pretty calm, so I should rest well, and hopefully the journey won't be too bad, and I'll get to see some friends as well as my family.

Due in part to hot weather here, my sleep pattern's been quite messed up. That's meant I've not got a lot done, but I do have a few things worth writing about. Quick mention first: I've signed up for FoodFeed (with the usual username), a semi-pointless Web2.0 doohickey that I claim I'm using to keep track of my diet, but which is actually fairly superfluous. I also re-dyed my hair the other day, and had an important haircut while I was at it.

( There are still birthday things to mention. )

I wanted to try and work on some music the other day, and once again I found something I'd started working on some time ago and finished it off. What there was only ran for somewhere between one and two minutes, so I had a fair bit of work on my hands. I'm pretty happy with the result, though, and I also created a community here on LJ for my music -- schrodingersdog -- though I've not yet had the time to set it up fully. When I do, I'll crosspost music and any pertinent information to there.

Image by rcameraw

Schrödinger's Dog - Shattered Light (80bpm, 4:36, 7.17mb) This is an Isolationist piece, starting off discordant but with melodic elements as the track progresses. As with a lot of my music, this is in some ways like a soundtrack; it's based in part on a dream I had about Akihabara.

That's about it for now, really. I was originally meant to be going to town again today and meeting kyu_diary, but as it's already after 5:30pm that's not going to happen; I said I may go over in the evening, but I've still got things to do here.

The last few days have been pretty busy. On Sunday, I got a call from kyu_diary, and spent time with him and imperial_wolf; we had something to eat, then for no particularly explained reason we decided to go to the toy superstore in the same area, and we all ended up with soft toys. Mine was a present, and is the single most adorable thing in the universe: a li'l white tiger with the cutest face. I would post pictures but it might destroy the internet (read: it would entail finding the cable for the camera).

( Moving swiftly on... )

I've made plans for what to do with my birthday money, which included an unexpected and substantial gift voucher from Toroka; I'll get a new DS, an EeePC 700 series with a case and extra storage media, and preorder a few games for the PS2 (Growlanser: Heritage of War aka Growlanser V Generations, Soul Nomad & The World Eaters aka Soul Cradle, and Baroque) that are due for release throughout June. (I also played the demo of Ninja Gaiden II -- due out on Friday, so I'll get it next week in probability -- and it is the most awesome thing ever to be awesome in a long long time.)

On top of that, I should be seeing wingedwuff (among others) at the end of the month, and he says he'll give me his old phone (a Sony Ericsson S700i) as a present; he's also invited me to go with him to see Pendulum in Sheffield in October/November time. So things could be a lot worse, and I now have a few days to relax with nothing really planned.

Over the bank holiday weekend (well, from Friday night until Monday night, at least) I took a break from the internet; a lot of things were getting me down, not least of all people being passive-aggressive. For those couple of days, I just did whatever I felt like, sleeping and eating whenever I wanted to. Overall it was a good thing, and I got caught up with some reading and gaming.

Last night I went back online, and ( things went downhill from there. )

My situation with regard to relationships and social events isn't stellar either. A few people have tried to persuade me to go to a meet in Manchester at the weekend, but I can't justify the cost of travel (and possibly somewhere to stay the night) only for a couple of folks I want to spend time with, the rest being people I'm indifferent to or those I'd actively want to avoid. There's another meet in Sheffield at the end of June, so I'll probably go to that at least; I've had a couple of people ask to stay over, but I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with that at present. Despite wanting to spend time with friends, I still feel reticent about travelling so things are becoming a little stagnant, limiting the prospect for new relationships.

I've got over a period of depression that was getting me down for a while, and I'm feeling much better. The last couple of days have been kind to me, too, and there's a few things worth writing about.

( First, I want to talk about yesterday. )

There's been a few developments over on the spiritual side of things too. As I seem to quite often have difficulty getting to the Buddhist centre on a Tuesday night, I've found an admirable replacement in listening to some of the talks from Free Buddhist Audio. I'll still try and go of course, but this is a good substitute.

Something new that I mentioned in passing is my involvement with the Unitarians; I saw an ad offering information in a magazine, and tekaril mentioned them at roughly the same time. I've had an information pack from them, and I've now sent off a couple of forms asking to meet someone in person and to learn more about joining the postal and email-based National Unitarian Fellowship. There's also further organisations to be found under the Unitarian Societies page.

Overall things are pretty good, and though I'm unfortunately missing the Dalai Lama's UK visit at the start of next week, I at least now have a few days to just relax with nothing that really needs to be done. I'm planning to try and catch up with reading and games and suchlike.

For certain definitions of interesting, the last couple of days have been... interesting.

Between Friday night when I went to bed and this morning about 10:30, I think I can only have been awake for maybe six hours. I don't know whether it's something to do with the meds or what, but sometimes I sleep for huge amounts of time like that. Feel better for it, but still.

( Anyway, today was more active. )

The same cannot be said of things in general. My mood's still been volatile, and since coming home I've not been feeling too good. I've nothing really to do until Tuesday, but I'll try and get to the Buddhist centre that evening if I can. Then on Thursday I have a few options -- it's kyu_diary's day off, but there was also a plan of seeing my ex for a drink or whatever. It could be good to spend some time with him, but it might dredge up painful memories.

First off, a little bookkeeping: Thanks to everyone who helped me out while I was feeling bad; to S. A. Hunter, a new friend who has been unfailingly lovely; and to my ex, for getting back in touch and being entirely amiable. Very much appreciated, y'all.

Also, I updated my LJ Profile, which is slightly less of a mess now, and also includes a couple more sites. I've only done anything with Pownce and Tumblr so far, but there will some music-related stuff on my currently-empty Project Playlist and Muxtape accounts in the near-ish future.

( On with ACTUAL CONTENT. )

Overall, things are just on the good side of average lately. I haven't really been sleeping too well, and I've had some trouble with money, but asides a few instances my mood's been manageable, and I've reasonably enjoyed what I've been doing. Hopefully things will get better, or at least not get worse.

As I've probably mentioned already, I'm heading to Leeds to stay with my folks for a couple of weeks either later today (hopefully) or tomorrow if I don't manage to sort everything out in time. Because I won't have as much internet access there, and I won't have all my files and stuff to hand, I figured it'd be a good idea to write here before I go away.

( Enough with the explanation. )

Yesterday evening, I tuned in (as usual) to the Hard Drive, and it was a pretty good show. Amongst other contributions, growf pointed out this video of someone playing StepMania to some crazy-fast glitch, which is pretty amazing to watch. I haven't played anything like that in years -- and I'm not likely to as the local arcade seems to have shut down -- but I figure anyone who tried to play that using their feet (rather than keyboard input, which I'm pretty sure was used in this video) would probably end up having a heart attack. (Guitar Hero is the new DDR anyway, but I digress.)

I also wrote a new piece of music which I'm pretty pleased with.

• Schrödinger's Dog - Synthetic Helix (120bpm, 3:06, 4.75mb)
  
  A bit of a slower track this time, with multilayered synths and a melancholic, yearning feel. A soundtrack for deep space.

I now have at least three tracks that I've not put anywhere but LJ, and I should probably fix that -- but I don't know if I'll have chance until I get back home. I'm hoping to see a few friends while I'm away, but I've not made specific plans yet so I'll just have to see what happens.

I have a couple of hours before I have to head out, so I really should get ready. I should be able to post while I'm away, though, and I could certainly do with a break.