I have a friend in the US who I've never met, but we get on extremely well whenever we talk, and I like to think we're close; I hope to spend time with him one day. Yet that day might never come. He has a genetic defect in his heart, which means it's likely to stop working in his mid-40's, or else leave him with maybe a decade more than that but with crippled senses.

Another friend, this time in the UK, is someone who I've only just started talking to again recently, but I've known him for a long time -- again, we used to be close, and at one point there was the possibility of a relationship. This person was in a traffic accident. A piece of metal is lodged in his head, in such a position that it cannot be removed. If it moves even slightly, it could cause serious brain damage or death.

A third person is someone I've only encountered recently, and I've yet to meet him in person, though he doesn't live too far away. We got on well almost immediately. However, he wants to join the armed forces, and go to war. I've been trying to treat him well, because I'm afraid he'll ship out and not come home alive -- and if the last words I spoke to him were harsh, I don't know if I could cope with that.

I have to consider the impending death of family members, as well. While my grandparents are in good health, they are old, and I cannot envisage them keeping on for many more years. They have done a great deal for me, especially when I was a child; unfortunately I won't be getting to see them this Xmas, as they're going to my mum's place early this year, and I'm going a bit later than usual. Even my parents are getting on; my mother's approaching her 60th year (as impossible as that seems), and my father -- who I haven't seen since he moved to Northern Ireland with his new partner -- is somewhat older than that.

Other friends that I've known for ages but not seen in some time seem so noticably to have aged; of course this is obvious and inevitable, but it inexorably reminds me of lost youth, and the fact that age, maturity, whatever you want to call it, does not necessarily improve one's situation. I often reminisce to my time in college as a happy period of my life, but I left that establishment a decade ago. Since then I often feel like I've been lost, and god knows I don't feel like a presumably responsible adult approaching 30 years of age.

I don't know if it's the time of year or some other factor, but I've been very depressed of late, as the brooding-on-mortality tone of this post might indicate. It's a self-defeating pattern of thought, but I feel worse for feeling bad because my situation in life is, if not brilliant, then at least reasonably stable; a good number of people I know are having all manner of difficulties at this time of year, from losing jobs to serious illness and all points in between.

A number of friends, and indeed my mother as well, have suffered from depression of more or less severity, and out of respect for their wishes, most will remain anonymous. One person I will mention, though, is my longtime friend and absolute star, footpad. This is not the place to heap a ton of praise upon him, but at least some of that is deserved for dealing with his depression in a more-or-less public manner, something which I am trying to emulate with this post.

An exemplary recent post from him is The slippery slope, which made me begin looking for books -- I love books, above many other things -- that might help me understand and deal with this situation. While I've yet to read the one he mentions, Against Depression by Peter Kramer, or one I recall him talking about some time ago, The Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon, thanks to Amazon's recommendations after adding those two to my wishlist, I found some related books which hold a great deal of promise.

A little preamble: my stepdad, with whom I feel closer than my biological father, has also suffered from depression, but benefited immensely from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), and recommended that I look into it myself. Being interested in Eastern contemplative traditions, including but not limited to Buddhism and Taoism, I wondered if the practices of these could have applications to mental disorders, given their focus on the mind. Indeed, some of the moderately esoteric things I have tried seem to have met with some success, though it's too early to really comment on those in depth.

However, I discovered the existence of something called Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT), an approach combining the meditative elements of Buddhism et al. with aspects of CBT. It seems this has only been developed in recent years, but has met with an immense amount of success. I have begun to read two books on the subject; the first I got was Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy: Distinctive Features by Rebecca Crane, which elucidates an equal number of points on the theoretical and practical elements of this therapy. One of the most interesting points about this is that it seems to have been developed for people with exactly my condition: those who have experienced periods of serious, potentially suicidal depression interspersed with times of feeling reasonably okay, who are worried about, and prone to, relapse.

The second and most recent book I got was The Mindful Way Through Depression, by Drs. Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, and Jon Kabat-Zinn, themselves the creators of MBCT. (It comes with a CD of guided meditations, also.) I only started reading this last night, at a point when I was feeling particularly bad, and already I feel it is one of the best and most useful I have read; I think it came at just the right time, and it's something I'm going to enthusiastically recommend to others.

While I undoubtedly have an appreciation for spiritual matters, and that these are often couched in mystical and/or poetic language, the tone used in this book is refreshing; it is direct and clear without being forceful, and kind without being condescending or patronising. The vast majority of what's been said makes complete sense, and illustrates patterns of thinking that turn normal negative emotions into depression; interestingly, a lot of it shares points in common with Dr. Peter Fenner's Radiant Mind course, which I've mentioned before. While I do not imagine I will ever be completely free of depressive illness, I feel this new therapy is something that will greatly help. It's something I've had to do for myself, though, as (like many) I feel that I have been somewhat failed by the mental health care system here; while I have a fair degree of support, and certainly plenty of medication, there's been little in the way of actual therapy for quite some time. I feel that MBCT could change that. So there's some hope yet; and I feel a little better, at least, for writing.

While I've got a bit of time, I thought I'd update here. Things have been going really well; ahsha's visit last weekend, travel problems and somewhat crappy weather nonwithstanding, was really enjoyable, and with a bit of luck I'll see him again before all too long. (I'll probably write a bit about that in a separate entry.) Last Thursday was great as well; although my mum and stepdad arrived a bit late, through no fault of their own, a most excellent day was had by all of us, and I came home with a lot of really great stuff, some of which I'll mention below.

Essentially, I wanted to post something of a follow-up to my previous entry. In the last few days, I've had a couple of letters from Red Tape Studios, and it looks like I've been approved for the Computer Music Production course, which will be starting on Tuesday the 12th of January in the evening. I've also been invited to an interview regarding the NCFE DJ Skills course; this is at 7:30pm on Thursday the 10th (next week), and should that be successful, the course starts on the 13th of January -- the day after the Computer Music Production -- and takes place on a Wednesday and Thursday evening between 6pm and 9:30pm for 13 weeks, so I'll be in class 3 nights a week if it all works out. No word as of yet about the Keyboard and Music Theory Skills or Mix Surgery classes, but I'm sure that'll come in time. I'm thinking I might try and defer one of the classes to a later date so I'm not in for 3 consecutive nights, but I suppose that wouldn't be all bad if it turns out that way.

In other music-related news, I had my letter to Computer Music magazine published, and my dad's bought me a subscription to that mag as an Xmas present; I buy it every month anyway, so it makes sense to subscribe. Anyway, in the response to the letter they were extremely helpful -- I'd written asking what the next step from sequencing samples in ACID Pro was -- and not only was the reply a lot of practical use but also very encouraging: apparently, lauded musicians -- and, coincidentally, ones I really like -- such as Trentemøller and the dubstep artist Rusko use ACID, so I feel like my choice of software is validated, and that I'm in good company.

Among a number of other games I've got recently -- I was bought a few as Xmas presents by my folks -- I have 3 MMO's that I'm planning to try out in the new year. (There's no point in starting them now, as I wouldn't get the most out of the 30-day trial period.) I picked up Age of Conan (for 50p!), Lord of the Rings Online and the Mines of Moria expansion (for £5 and £3 respectively), and was bought Warhammer Online as a gift. ahsha got Age of Conan too, so that's at least one person I'll be able to play with. I'll likely play them consecutively rather than concurrently, so as to make the most of the free time; I figure that, given how cheap they all were, it's no big deal if I only play them for the free period --and if one or more turn out to be really good and I keep at them for a longer time, so much the better. In the new year I'll likely be in a better position financially to afford a subscription to one of them, so that's another reason to wait.

The last thing to mention for now is that I've made some progress with regard to spirituality. Among the books I brought back from seeing my folks -- including, notably, one we got there, a new and more complete translation of Yamamoto Tsunetomo's Hagakure, sumptuously illustrated, hardbound, and for 75% less than its recommended price -- I got some that I'd ordered from Speaking Tree, which due to an error with their website, had been sent to my mum's address (the billing address) instead of my own. All of the books from there are hugely discounted, but the best (and perhaps most important) items I got were Peter Fenner's Radiant Mind teachings; I got both the hardback book (£22 RRP) and the 7-CD audio learning course (£60 RRP) for just £15 for both.

I tend to be wary of these things, to some extent at least, but this looks like it could be really good; and, if it turns out to not be so great, it didn't cost me the earth. I've been feeling a bit more open to things actually working, and a bit more able to engage with spiritual type things; this on its own is progress, but I don't plan to become mindlessly devoted to any one specific program or teacher -- I still like to try a variety of things, and a lot of what I've been reading lately is truly fascinating; I feel that there's a number of ways now that I'll be able to improve my life.

I've been meaning to write here for a few days, but I've had some kind of nonspecific cold-y flu-y thing that I'm just starting to get over. Anyways, I've kept in reasonably good spirits, and I thought I'd share some information on what I'm going to be doing, both in the near future and next year.

First of all, I've applied to do two courses with the Open University, who I've studied with several times in the past. Starting in February, I'll be studying the short course Start listening to music; this should provide me with some background in music theory that I've been lacking in the past, and plus it should be a pretty fun subject to study. I've loved music all my life, and I think it'd be interesting to learn about new approaches to listening to it.

In May, I'll be taking Digital worlds: designing games, creating alternative realities, which I'm really looking forward to; having been into games in a big way for the better part of two decades, this covers game culture, design, and theory, along with having practical applications. According to friends that are either studying degrees in the subject or actually working in the games industry (fuzzylu, bluewoozle, I'm looking at you here), it looks like a good course, plus I believe you get to keep the software -- Game Maker Pro -- at the end of it. I have some crazy idea of getting into indie game design, but whether that's more than a pipe dream at this point remains to be determined.

That's not the end of the courses I'm planning to take. I've got in touch with Red Tape Studios, who I studied a course with before (though I was unable to complete it due to circumstances beyond my control); I've applied to re-do the course on Computer Music Production -- basically an introduction to Logic Pro 8 -- I was unable to complete previously, along with the NCFE DJ skills course. Both are portfolio-based and you receive a certificate at the end, which I think would give me a great sense of achievement, as well as something tangible to express my skills. I've applied for two even shorter courses at Red Tape, though they aren't listed on the website, only in the printed prospectus they sent me: one is on Keyboard and Music Theory Skills, which would be great as I've been making music for years now and I only have the vaguest notion of theory -- and I sure as hell can't play a keyboard. The other is called 'Mix Surgery', and involves ways of using Pro Tools and Logic to achieve a specific sound. Seeing as I still master everything in Cool Edit Pro (now Adobe Audition, but I still use the old version), I could probably make some progress here.

It's also worth mentioning at this point that I've finally put something up on electricdog.tv; it's not much, but it's better than the 'coming soon' page that's been there for years, or the cryptic message I had up; I forget which was more current. Anyway, mattlazycat, a good friend of mine and an awesome designer to boot, recommended I take a look at Blueprint CSS to make a better site; this seems to be a simple and elegant way to make a fairly simple site design quickly, and it looks promising -- I just hope it's not beyond my ability to learn how to best use it. I did initially try browsing ThemeForest at the suggestion of another friend, but I couldn't find one that suited my needs, though I was prepared to pay. I eventually settled on slightly reworking a free theme I found elsewhere; it'll do for now, I suppose.

I've also set up a new website for my music on BandCamp. I'll probably make an announcement of this in a post of its own, but I wanted to mention it anyway; this is almost certainly going to be the main source for new music from me for the forseeable future. Everything on there -- and, according to mikosquirrel, I'm hella productive, though putting things out at the rate I do feels normal for me -- is free of charge to download in a wide variety of formats, and everything is issued under a Creative Commons license. Thanks must also go to realityclinic and shirosirius for allowing me to pillage their Flickr accounts for cover art.

Another thing to mention, although I'm planning to make a post about this on its own, I've recently rekindled an interest in Taoism, and the martial arts, particularly Tai Chi Chuan and Qigong. I've got quite a number of books on these and related subjects (including the Confucian 'classics'), and without going into too much detail, it's influenced my thinking quite a lot. There is a lot to like in Taoism, for me, and it's something I've had an interest in for many years; many texts and periods of Chinese history point towards a syncretic unity of Buddhism, Taoism, and Confucianism, and indeed these three seem far more complementary than contradictory. Anyway, I'll go into more detail on this at some point; I just wanted to give mention to it.

Finally, I might be a bit scarce on the internets for the next couple of weeks. I have a hell of a lot going on; tonight ahsha is arriving and staying here for a few days -- I've not seen him in about 5 years(!) so it should be good. Next Wednesday I'm out in town as usual, then on the Thursday my mum and stepdad are visiting for the day, to bring some stuff, do some shopping, and generally just so we can spend time together; on Friday another friend's visiting for the weekend, the Tuesday after that I'm seeing my occupational therapist, Wednesday is town again, then on the Friday I'm planning to go visit kyu_diary and imperial_wolf. The weekend after that, tungro is meant to be visiting; I've not seen him in a long time either, and I'm really looking forward to it. The weekend after that, if I'm still in Sheffield, I'll be seeing friends, and once that's over I'll be going to my folks' for 2 or 3 weeks for Xmas/New Year stuffs. On top of that, I have a bunch of games to be getting on with as well as a lot to read, so the majority of my free time is going to be occupied -- though no doubt pleasantly, I hasten to add.

Well, I haven't written here in a while. First thing to note is that I'm going away to my mum's for Xmas/New Year tomorrow, and so for that period I'll be online substantially less often; on the other hand, I'll be spending time with my family (including Neil's mum and my grandparents), and I should hopefully also get to see massivesustain and shirosirius.

( With that out of the way... )

Finally, I'd been considering getting a new music game after Xmas, but with GH: World Tour, Rock Band and RB2 all having different instruments with them, I wasn't sure whether I'd end up having to buy several peripherals if I wanted to play more than one game. Fortunately, someone (can't remember who, sorry!) linked me to Joystiq's Instrument Compatibility Matrix. Having tried at least 3 different guitar controllers on the 360, I think the best choice would be to get GH: World Tour with the guitar, and pick up both Rock Band titles on their own. [edit: I think I'll just get RB2, as apparently -- thanks Toroka -- if you want the songs from the original Rock Band, it costs 400 XBL points and 1.7gb of space to copy them for use in RB2. Any downloaded songs for either game work with RB2, though, so it's not like I'd be losing out on very much -- plus RB2 has more songs on the disc and better options anyway.]

That's about all the news I have, really. Though a lot of my focus lately has been on games, I've still been keeping up with reading Buddhist books (I got some last week, and I'm still trying to sort everything out with Wisdom so I can get the lost shipment replaced and delivered to my mum's) and various other interests. The only other thing I need to do today is pick up a repeat prescription from the doc's, to ensure I have enough meds to cover me for however long I'm away.

It's my first public post in a little over a week -- twitter nonwithstanding, and autoposting that still isn't working -- and I wanted to talk about the weekend just gone, which was particularly good, especially the Sunday.

( Saturday wasn't bad either, but not much happened. )

In the next few days, I need to work on the final project for my photography course; I've selected the 10 images I want to use, but I still have three questions to answer at ~200 words each, and it needs to be in before next Monday. I've also some work to do on my arts course before Monday evening, but that's less pressing. Ideally before I go out tomorrow, the books from Wisdom will be delivered, and I'll have time to burn a DVD for lord_kook, as he's going to do some mixing and possibly other work on my album CityZen when he has time.

[continued from here]

The second theme of my time away (as well as the creativity mentioned in my last post) was the media I acquired while I was there. I explored two main interests of mine, which carried throughout the different things.

( Two main themes )

Finally, but by no means least, I managed to pick up Fallout 3 at a very reasonable price while I was away, and I've been playing it a fair bit. "Oblivion with guns" has been a comparison that's been made, as it's by the same developer and shares some superficial similarities, but if anything it's "Morrowind with guns" -- those who have played both extensively will know the difference.

In fairness, both comparisons do a disservice to a game that stands up to its heritage but also has its own identity and style. It's a lot more of an intense experience than many other role-playing games, and I've not been able to play it for very long in one sitting because of that. And, with the 50's-meets-scifi stylings, it knocks BioShock into a cocked hat, which I thought was overhyped and overrated in the first place.

This is, after over four weeks, my last day staying with my folks; nearly everything is packed ready for me to head home tomorrow afternoon. I've almost entirely enjoyed my time here, and although I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to -- though I'm very happily back in touch with massivesustain -- or do quite as much as I would have liked, it's been a good trip. I'm ready to go back, though.

The short version of events is to say that the fighting between my mum and stepdad has stopped entirely and been resolved, with quite a bit of help from me, and so I can leave without too much worry in my heart. On the other hand, I've confirmed that the microphone on my mobile is broken, so I can't talk on it and will need a new one soon. Still, I have Skype, so voicechat is still possible (when I'm online, at least) in the interim.

( The longer version... )

There's not much else to tell, really. I'm still waiting to hear back about the Introduction to Computer Music Production course I want to do, and I have a few prospectuses to look through back home (as well as other stuff, like DS games and hopefully no bills). With luck, I'll soon be back in education and in the rest of the time I can engage in the hobbies that interest me, and hopefully get back into the habit of regular Buddhist practice and meditation again.

It's looking like my stay with my mum and stepdad is finally drawing to a close, and at present, I'm planning to go home on Tuesday. Unfortunately, they're fighting at the moment (I won't go into details, but it's really Not Good) and so I've been hiding in my room pretty much all weekend. With luck, though, things will have got better before I leave for home.

That being said, I had a good time with my stepdad ( last Tuesday. )

There's a couple more things to add. Games-wise, and especially with the DS, I often play things for just a little while before deciding I want to keep or get rid of them, and with a lot of titles, especially RPG's, you can't make a judgement quickly. To this end, I've spent the last couple of days playing all the DS games I have here, and I'm pleased to find I've chosen well.

Next, although I've talked about books already, there's a couple more to mention. I decided to further my interest in wolves by getting a further two novels: Wolf Brother by Michelle Paver, the first in the Chronicles of Ancient Darkness series, and Promise of the Wolves by Dorothy Hearst, first of the Wolf Chronicles trilogy. I can't find any info about her or the book on Wikipedia, so I'm guessing it's a first novel -- it did, however, lead me to find rather interesting articles -- I suspect footpad may well want to check them out -- about wolves in fiction and werewolf fiction.

Finally there are two technical issues. First, it seems that my phone is damaged or something, as in a few calls I've been unable to be heard. I haven't tested this extensively but it seems like I need a new one. Secondly, I see no point in renewing the domain name for my old site loopback:reconnect, having done nothing with it in about four years, so some really old links and images may be broken.

In a way, I'm looking forward to going back home. I want to escape the bad stuff that's happening right now -- though maybe that'll be gone tomorrow -- but I also have things waiting for me, and I can hopefully sort out something positive for my future.

Another week, another update, I guess. On the whole, things have been good since I last wrote; today's been a pretty lazy day, though I did just get out of the shower after dying my hair again -- a darker red this time, which I'm not sure I'm as keen on Scratch that, it's a reddish/purplish brown and I hate it, I'll have to buy better dye tomorrow -- and, of course, it's afforded me time to write here.

( My week, then. )

At home, I've been using my notebook to chat to a couple of friends with video and audio via Skype; I was surprised at how effortless it was to get it all working, and it feels like closer contact than talking over IM or whatever. It was good to hear Russ' voice again, and I spent a good while talking to huskion one night as well; among other things, we talked about NEET and Hachikō. Subsequently he linked me to some interesting things about where he lives: some myths about Poland and this picture of the British Embassy in Warsaw.

That's pretty much everything that's been happening, and I think we should be having dinner soon. There's not a lot planned for the weekend, though hopefully I'll be seeing actively_lazy for a bit tomorrow afternoon [edit: due to a mistake with the buses, he's not able to visit as it'd not be worth it for the little time he'd be able to spend here, so we'll have to make it another time] and with luck, I'll see shirosirius before I go back home some time next week. (I'm thinking luck maybe isn't on my side at the moment though.)

So, after a week or so at my mum's, I figured it was time to write. The journey here was easy, and I managed to pick up the latest issue of Wired en route; although I've been unable to subscribe (only one place near me ever seems to get it in, and it's inconvenient to go there; no website seemed to have it) I found that Wired UK will be relaunching next year, so that could well be interesting.

( While I've been here... )

Plans for the rest of my stay -- which is going to be at least another 10 days -- include going to the Royal Armouries to see an exhibition of movie arms and armour, and a bit of shopping to hopefully get a mod for my DS letting me play homebrew software and emulators etc. For the most part I'm planning just to take it easy, see friends if I can, and try and enjoy myself.

[edit: changed my journal style -- hit up electricdog.livejournal.com to see]

[edit2: I am troubled by this error message: (drivel:5139): Drivel-WARNING **: Throbber animation not found]

I was going to write again last night, but I didn't get to bed until really late on Thursday, and it was a busy day yesterday which left me tired -- so I'll write about it now. After a bit of discussion, Neil and I decided to head out to town about 3pm, with the intention of doing a bit of shopping and seeing a movie. Just before we went out, my order from Wisdom Books arrived, only a day after I'd placed it.

( The trip mostly went well, despite pretty bad weather. )

I know I mention it time and again, but being here has reminded me of what Leeds used to be like, and made me miss the days when I was at college and had a pretty active life, travelling around two or three times a week in the evenings. It does make me wonder what things would have been like if I'd stayed on and done another course, and whatever happened to the folks I used to know from that time.

First of all, most folks are probably aware of it already, but there was an earthquake at 1am Wednesday morning. It was disconcerting and weird, but we're all okay; I'm not sure if everything will be alright back home -- some things were in rather precarious positions -- but hopefully there should be no major damage, if any at all.

( More on the last few days, with (largely unrelated) video and pictures. )

All in all, things have been going pretty well, though the time's passed quickly. I was originally thinking to go back home on Monday, but it's looking like I may stay longer; still, unless I end up staying something like another 2 or 3 weeks, not all of the books I ordered will arrive before I go back home. I'll just get my folks to forward them to me; it wasn't until I arranged to get them sent here that I realised one of them wouldn't be available for 10-12 days.

We're considering going to see a film -- either Be Kind Rewind or possibly Cloverfield -- in the next couple of days, though as Neil's not very well, I don't know if that'll happen or not. Likewise I don't know if I'll be seeing any of the friends that live locally, though there will be more opportunity if I stay longer, of course. I'm in no rush to go back, as I'm having an enjoyable break, but I need to go home sooner or later; I miss it already, a little.

Observation: Two Worlds is to Oblivion as Arx Fatalis is to Morrowind. Make of that what you will. Also, Spectromancer is currently free, and is pretty damn cool.

( Possibly more interesting but less brief stuff... )

On Monday, my mum and stepdad are coming to visit, and I'll be going back with them to stay for about a week. I've got some books and things I ordered waiting for me there, and it's always good to see them anyway. We're still thinking about going to Amsterdam sometime this year, which would be good. I also found out that even if I don't manage to make it to the Dalai Lama's talks at the end of May in Nottingham (I have the tickets, but the logistics of travel and accommodation may be a problem), there's a DVD set available of him giving a teaching on the same text in San Francisco in 2007, which is over 9 and a half hours long; so if I don't go, I can just get that, and if I do go, I might get it anyway to keep as reference, as I'm unlikely to be able to remember it all. I'm also looking to pick up Michael Palin's Himalaya series, after catching a couple of episodes of it last time I was at my mum's place; apparently, "all his travel books can be read at no charge, complete and unabridged, on his website". (Subject line generated by this, by the way.)

( I got a fair bit done these last couple of days. )

I was supposed to be telepresent at the Dream Machines workshop today, as I'd got hold of the right dates too late to physically attend, but due to oversleeping and other factors (didn't get to bed until late-ish, then couldn't get to sleep for ages, then was ill) I missed the opportunity. However, I've been invited to discuss some things via Second Life tomorrow morning, if I have the opportunity. Failing that, I've asked to be kept in the loop if anything similar happens in the future.

I've also been approved for half-price concessionary tickets to see H.H. the Dalai Lama giving teachings in Nottingham in May. The concession won't be processed until next Monday, which gives me time to look into travel and accomodation; still, to use an albeit-accurate cliché, it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I really hope I can make it, though it may come down to a choice between that and a trip to Amsterdam for my birthday.

The reason I was up late last night was due to finishing off a piece of music, the first of 2008. I'm very happy with it, so I figured I'd post it here along with other stuff, maybe repost it on its own later (or if I can find some good music communities on here):

• Schrödinger's Dog - Kyoto Midnight Garden (160bpm, 4:10, 6mb)
  
  This started off as a few ideas while I was away from home, then later became a drum'n'bass track, and the final version (thanks Ishkur and Wiki) is pretty much neurofunk. Inspired by roughly equal parts Susumu Yokota and Ken Ishii, with a dash of Ghost in the Shell philosophy. Really pleased with this one.

Tomorrow, amongst other things, I need to pick up a few more techy bits; a bunch of audio interconnects, some more network cable so I can connect the PS2, 360 and PC at once without having to swap wires, a USB cable or two, and a USB hub, to let me connect more than two USB devices (currently keyboard and mouse) to the PS2. I could probably do with some more rechargeable batteries for my cameras as well, and possibly a microphone.

Other than that, I'm going to try and make it to the Buddhist centre in the evening if the weather isn't too hideous, and kitsunefury (who visited on Friday) is interested in coming too, on the Wednesday; that's when the next introductory course starts, something I've already been through with steel_phoenix and kyu_diary.

( I think I can write a little something here. )

I can't say as I feel especially 'festive', whatever that's supposed to mean, even though Xmas itself is only two days away. I'm happy to be with my family, though, and we have gifts to exchange as usual, but it's a fairly quiet affair, and unfortunately I won't be seeing my grandparents.

Due to being away, I've missed doing anything for the Winter solstice -- there's sometimes a puja at the Buddhist centre -- and I'll not be seeing friends at a meet-up on the 28th, as there's no point (were it even practical) in going back to Sheffield for a couple of days and then returning here for New Year. There's a few New Year events going on back home too, but I've never really been one for parties, so I'm content to just stay here.

Thankfully the shortest day has now passed, so I'm feeling a bit more optimistic -- especially so now that I'm (mostly) no longer ill -- but that isn't without some sense of wintertime melancholy. I'll manage okay, sure, and it certainly helps that I'm not alone, and I've no need to worry about having enough to eat or whatever, but my mood's not quite as good as it could be. I imagine Xmas Day itself will cheer me up, though, and -- though it doesn't really have much significance for me these days -- I'm looking forward to it.

I feel I should write something here, seeing as my last public post here was over a month ago. It's not that I don't have things to write about; the fact that I'm keeping my Vox and Blogger accounts active -- excuse shameless self-promotion -- is testament to that.

I've just not had time, really, or inclination. I've been alternately busy and ill, and on Friday I'm going away to see my folks for the holidays and won't be back until the new year; I doubt I'll have time to write about everything I want to discuss here tomorrow, and while I'm away my net access will be pretty limited.

I need to sleep, but I just wanted to let people know that I'm still alive, still around, and available to whatever extent. I'm not in any danger or trouble, and I'm no longer ill. I will come back to this journal in time -- for various reasons, not least of which is that my paid account was renewed not long ago -- but I don't know when.

For everyone who's reading this message, if you're celebrating something around this time of year, whatever your view or belief, I hope you have a great time. Even if you're not celebrating, I wish you all well, and with a bit of luck I'll see more of you next year.

I just need to get some distance from this place for a while, though I will come back in time. Thanks to everyone who's been supportive lately.

[edit: computer bluescreened late last night -- maybe ten minutes after i posted this -- for the first time in years. rebooted, firefox had lost all 20+ tabs I had open and blanked the history. then slept for 15 hours straight. fuck it.]

I've not written here for the best part of three weeks, mainly because I've been busy with things away from the computer -- that, and after I leave things for more than a certain amount of time, I'm never sure whether to try and do one big catch-up post or just make a few key points. This is neither of those things; I just wanted to talk about the last couple of days which have been really good. I have other stuff to mention too, like my course starting and that I've written a new track, but that can wait.

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Tomorrow I have class in the afternoon, but no real plans either before or after. I'll need to pack, though; on Friday my dad's arriving with his brother's ex-wife, and we're going for a meal, then he's taking me to see my mum and stepdad -- I'll be staying there until Wednesday, assuming I can reschedule my physio appointment. It'll be nice to have a little break; it's not that I'm having a bad time here or anything, quite the opposite in fact, but it's nice to spend time with family.

I got back home today from a fairly long stay with my mum and stepdad; it was enjoyable, but I was ready to come back. It's likely to be more difficult for me to get there in the fairly near future; my dad's selling the house (and, to be honest, I'll be glad when it's sold and I don't have to go there -- not that there's really anything wrong with the place itself, just all the bad memories associated with it) and moving back down south. My mum and stepdad are still planning to move to Amsterdam, but that's much more of a long-term thing than the 8-12 weeks my dad's been quoted before the buyer is ready to take ownership of the property. From what he was talking about on the way, I still feel a little guilty about not going to this wedding I was invited to, but it's too late to do anything about that.

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One of the things I missed while I was away was having incense burning. When I came back here, the air was a bit stale, and so I put some incense on. It's one of those things that I guess I only notice when it's not there, and it really does have a positive effect on the way I feel. I also have all my Buddhist texts, prayer books, malas and so on here, which I missed too. I also found out (thanks to Wisdom Books) about a course at Jamyang Buddhist Centre in Leeds, but it's next weekend so I almost certainly won't be able to make it; however, another event they mentioned (with a lot more warning) was HH the Dalai Lama giving a 5-day series of teachings in May next year in Nottingham; one of the particularly interesting features of this is the Vajrasattva initiation, a figure in Buddhism that I have felt strongly drawn to for quite some time.

It's my last day here with m'folks, and this morning I was up early enough to see my grandparents when they visited. It had been quite a while since I'd seen them, and it was nice to spend some time together. As well as a few other things that had been in the family for a while (most of which went to my mum and her brother), I was given my late Uncle Ron's wristwatch, which will be nice to remember him by.

While I've been here, I've worked on my appearance a little bit. I finally got around to re-dying my hair (with the assistance of my mother) which looks a lot better now, and I also had a couple of inches trimmed off it, leaving it at about shoulder length. Earlier today, I headed to the local shop and got a few bits and pieces (including some really nice wine for us to share), one of which was a magazine about Japanese ideograms and their meanings, for the purpose of tattoo ideas; perhaps a little cliché, but useful since the demise several years ago of the Kanji Tattoos website.

( The weekend was pretty neat too. )

Once we were done at the shops, we went to the cinema to see Die Hard 4.0 (aka Live Free or Die Hard), which we all enjoyed a lot, despite the lightweight and fairly implausible plot. The most impressive thing about it, and worth seeing for this reason alone, was the quality of the stunts, special effects and pyrotechnics; without exaggeration, I think they were the best I'd ever seen -- and I watch a lot of movies. Plus, Bruce Willis is a great action lead, and Kevin Smith also has a role. Definitely worth seeing, regardless. After that, we went out for a truly excellent Indian meal -- although I managed to knock a glass of wine over by accident -- and headed home, feeling pretty good.

Other than the aforementioned, I've not done a whole hell of a lot, but I'm glad I came. I'd originally planned to go home on Monday, but I'm going back tomorrow instead. It's been a good break; I managed to write a new piece of music, which I'll upload when I'm home, and I've finished The Dying Earth, the first of Jack Vance's four-book masterpiece saga, a great formative influence on AD&D and others.

I've been with my mum and stepdad for the last couple of days, and tomorrow afternoon we're flying out to Amsterdam for a 10-day holiday. This is the longest we'll ever have been away for, and we often find ourselves on 7- or 8-day trips saying that we wished for more time to do all the things we wanted to. I wanted to write something before I went, though; there's a few things to talk about.

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Yesterday, shirosirius came over for a bit, and it was good to see him; he wasn't feeling well, unfortunately, and wasn't able to visit for as long as he would have liked. It's still a bit complex the way we relate, but that's not really something I want to go into right now; he may also be around once I'm back from the holiday but haven't gone home yet. Similarly, I'm hoping to see syrenwolf when we get back, but making these arrangements may be a little tricky; my phone is out of power, and I forgot to bring the charger. There's a spare phone here, but I don't know if it will accept my SIM card or if it even works properly at all.

I'm pretty nervous about going away, though I'm sure it'll be fine. I still have to pack today, but I'll have help with that. Really, the worst part is the waiting -- waiting for the cab, waiting to check in, waiting to get on the plane, and so on. It'll be a great relief when we get to the apartment we're renting, and get settled down. I've been pretty stressed lately, and a break will do me good.

Just as a quick final note; though it may sound obvious, I'm not going to be able to get online while I'm away except maybe for 10 minutes to check email at some point. The net is one of the things I want to have a break from anyway, not to mention that there'll be a plethora of more interesting things to do.