Today has been very mixed, very up and down. For the early part at least, it was successful; I had an early night last night (as opposed to tonight, where I can't get any sleep) and decided to go out to town in the morning and get things over and done with.

( mostly games-related, feel free to skip )

Finding little else of interest, I headed back home. However, on the way, I noticed a stall I'd never seen before selling framed pictures of various sorts; I found an attractive photo of two wolves in a nice frame, and it was inexpensive, so I bought it. Apparently the stall is regularly there; according to the guy minding it, "there's lots of wolves at the weekend". (More on that elsewhere, possibly.)

By the time I got home, I was very tired. I had a few hours of very forced and non-restful sleep, waking up just in time to go to the Buddhist centre. Although part seemed okay, I found my interest wandering during the talk (and was rather brusquely told I couldn't give one, when I asked in all innocence) and felt bad in the subsequent discussion group. I also failed to engage with the meditation fully, and for the first time left feeling irritable, though this may well have been due to not having eaten much during the day.

I ordered takeout on the way home, turned up the heating when I got in, and tried to relax for a while. However, I managed to accidentally damage the wolf picture I got, knocking it partially out of the frame and cracking the corner of the glass, before I'd even had a chance to put it up.

In the state I was in, this upset me a lot. I'd wanted it as almost like a 'protector' kind of thing; in my bedroom, the bed is in almost like an alcove with walls on two sides (at the side and foot of the bed) and a window with a very deep windowledge at the head, where I keep my Buddhist items and books. On the side wall is a mandala cloth my mother gave me, and I wanted to put the wolf picture at the foot of my bed, since that's obviously another thing that I associate with very strongly.

Once I'd finished eating and was a bit more grounded, I realised that the damage was, in fact, fairly minor, though not something I could fix myself. However, I've made plans to see my parents this weekend, and I remembered that there's a place near my father's that does framing; I'm going to ask him to take the picture there and ask them to fix it -- it looks like all that's needed is another piece of glass, but even if it needs redoing entirely I doubt he'd mind sorting it out for me.

I'm actually looking forward to going away this weekend; after I'd had such a good time when I stayed at my mother's over Xmas and New Year, I decided to try and go there every month orso. I think I need a break from time to time, and this is as good as any.

So, I came in here to use the computer on Friday evening, to find out that everything had frozen up and nothing was stopping that. I figured it was just some random crash, but rebooting (which I tried a few times) wouldn't bring it back up.

Worried, I called chloered, who, by chance, happened to be nearby. She came over for a short time, and determined very quickly what was wrong with the machine: the fan had become damaged, causing the computer to overheat and stop working.

As she didn't have the suitable parts to fix it on hand, I wasn't able to go online (or indeed do anything else) with the computer that night. Inexplicably, whilst I was disconnecting everything to move the computer downstairs, I came across a plug labeled "Demon Tiger".

( Read more... )

Chloe turned up in the afternoon, fully equipped with all sorts of gear. The repair to the PC was quick and simple, but along with the parts for that, she'd brought a router, hub and reel of cable, along with the necessary tools, in order to set up a network in the house.

The upshot of this is that I now have an always-on connection via ethernet, and 10 ports for me (or anyone else who comes here) to connect things to the net; I may get wi-fi too at some point, though currently all that I could use with that would be the DS. (Tellingly, the first thing I thought of when I heard I'd be getting a network set up was not to play on Xbox Live or to set up another machine, but to play Dreamcast games online. PSO, here I come.) Chloe's also offered to give me a spare machine for use in the other room, which I'm planning to use as more of a 'work' machine with some version of Linux as the main OS.

After all the work was done, we went for a meal at Nando's, which was a good way to finish the day. All in all -- and this is regardless of the work that was done -- it was really good to see Chloe again; it'd been far too long. I've a list a mile (possible exaggeration) long of folks I want to see, but it's all a case of getting over nerves and shyness, which can be cripplingly insurmountable at times. I'm getting a little better with that, though; a good proportion of folks are at least aware and tolerant of the trouble I have with these things, even if they don't completely understand the details of it.

(As for Zogg? Couldn't afford it, and I'm too tired to go anyway. Half-expected Nanaki to call, but no such luck; feels like I'm losing touch with those guys.)

[ker-edit: Forgot to mention, Chloe also offered to let me use her Paypal account if I give her the money for whatever I want to order, and said she'd help clear this place up, too. Yay!]

So, I've been going over my plans for the next few days in my head. I've tentatively arranged to see shirosirius, and I know there's other folks that want to come see me (actively_lazy) or for me to go see them (xantin_tiger). What doesn't help matters in the least is that I still get nervous as all hell, even around people and places I know well. I'm not as bad as I used to be -- time was, if I was meeting up with someone, I'd be so nervous that I'd end up making myself physically ill -- but it's still enough of a burden to cause a fair amount of trouble.

The weekend is my main concern at present, though. I have several options open to me: Zogg is on Saturday night; there's a festival at the Buddhist centre commemorating the parinirvana and physical death of Gautama Buddha; and finally, there's the easiest option (apart from doing nothing), which is to go buy Shadow of the Colossus, a game I've been awaiting for a very long time, and really get stuck into it.

( Read more... )

I'm torn, really, as well as nervous. While there's theoretically the possibility of doing all three things, that would leave me without much (if any) money, and feeling exhausted/strung out for some time afterwards. Even with these events aside, I've got a fair bit to do at home, though it's not to a point where it seems overwhelming, like it was before I went away over Xmas/New Year.

I am so, so tired though. Have been for days.

So, seeing as I've managed to completely screw up my sleep pattern (somehow fell asleep at 8 or 9pm, then woke up at 2am feeling entirely refreshed), I'm listening to (or at least was listening to, it's finished now) lumin_esc's Black Monday show on lt3m, and I figured, seeing as I'm not likely to be sleeping again too soon, that it's about time to update this with what I've been doing over the last week orso.

( This goes on for a while. )

That's about it for now; I should probably make an attempt at sleep before too long, though whether that'll work or not, I'm not sure. I've decided to postpone going into town until Wednesday or Thursday this week, as I'm unlikely to wake up early enough to go out and have time to browse -- plus, I feel I need a bit more time to myself. I'll still go to the Buddhist centre tomorrow night in all likelihood, though. For now though I think I'm going to go lie down and try to get some rest.

Today has been... weird, to put it mildly. Even though I went to bed pretty late last night, I must have slept very lightly and woke up a bit before noon. I think I left the light on in my room, which probably had something to do with it; I definitely remember being awake enough to hear the mail arrive.

I had a couple of things that needed doing, so I headed out for a bit( ... )

I checked the mail when I got back in, which consisted of a few things I don't really remember ordering; vampire-western shooter Darkwatch, retro game collection Taito Legends, and oldskool MMORPG (and the first of its kind that I ever played), Ultima Online - The 8th Age. I'm going to hold off judgement on these for now though, for reasons I'll go into in a moment, and also in part because I haven't played them (especially UO) enough to form a coherent opinion.

The worst thing today has been my volatile mood. I've been going from feeling incredibly positive and optimistic to feeling drained and depressed and back again, often within a short period of time; I've not formed a fixed opinion of the games I got because my view has been skewed wildly one way and the next each time I play. Besides, I've been unable to concentrate well on anything interactive, which has stymied my desire to write music today; my fluctuating mood has been dismissing things as crap that sounded just fine ten minutes ago, and I've not been able to focus long enough to make things right. (As a somewhat relavent aside, markpasc pointed out a groovy blog, CreateDigitalMusic, that has a lot of interesting articles.)

Due to this lack of concentration, I've been watching Bab 5 a lot, laid down in bed as my back and head have been intermittently painful. Some time after dinner (stir fry beef and fresh noodles in a hoi sin and garlic sauce -- see, occasionally I cook something nice), I must have somehow fallen asleep for five or six hours. I woke up completely disoriented and shivery in a cold sweat, and dying of thirst. Fortunately there were some good friends around online, which ameliorated matters, and I've taken a sleeping pill so I can hopefully get a bit more rest soon.

Tomorrow's going to be busy. I need to be in town, to take money out of my account to pay bills and get food, along with browsing the usual haunts, and sorting out the housing benefit. I'll probably only have a couple of hours here after I get back, then I need to head out to the Buddhist centre, having not been there for weeks; it's something I'm sorely in need of, though it means I won't be back until about 11pm again.

I just did a quick search, and according to Sheffield University's Buddhist Chaplaincy page, there are actually several centres here, including Kadampa (which I'm now more than a little wary of, despite finding Geshe Kelsang Gyatso's books interesting), Soto Zen, and Nichiren Daishonin (as run by Soko Gakkai International, which also seems suspect) schools, so it might be worth cautiously looking into the alternatives; I'm certainly open to different kinds of practice, but I'm wary of becoming bound to a narrow specialization, even though Tibetan/Vajrayana Buddhism is my chief interest.

Buddhism as a whole is such a rich and varied tradition to draw on, though, that I wouldn't want to be in a position where I had to disregard some or all of what I'd already learned from reading and taking classes, nor would I want to get embroiled in the politics of the whole thing; I just want to practice honestly, but every author and organisation seems to have their own idea of what's right, and even the FWBO is criticized. I think what I must do is forge my own path and determine exactly what is right for me, and get as much support as I can; for now, though, I need to try and get some rest, and perhaps contemplate these thoughts a little further.

I had a fair bit of Xmas money left over to spend, so a week ago (I know, I'm terrible at updating) I ordered the complete Babylon 5 box set, as a present to myself. It arrived on Wednesday, which was fast considering it wasn't until Monday night that I placed the order; everything was in perfect condition, though having to check 41 discs for scratches or damage was tedious but necessary. (There was also a flyer for AllPosters offering a discount, so I may order some stuff from them so my walls are less bare.)

( cut for geekiness )

I've been working on some music, too; I've written two tracks already, which I'll post when I get back home and hook everything up, and I was working on a third -- something quite dark -- that was progressing quite well until I accidentally and irrevocably deleted four days' work. All I can do is try and re-create what I had, but that mishap has put me off somewhat.

With the exception of a few nights when I've been feeling low, I've generally been feeling positive and had a lot of energy, helped by a lack of practical worries, company, and no constant use of the net. I'm going to try and maintain a better lifestyle when I get back home; I'm really homesick, and I'll finally be going back home on Wednesday, nearly a month after I left.

There's been a little stress; my mother and stepfather haven't always been at their best, and that's difficult for me to deal with; on top of that, I've felt a little of the stress that plagued me before I took this break, of having things to do but not enough time to do them. In the past, I'd stay up until 5 or 6am and still get stuff done, often in company; lately, this hasn't been possible. But perhaps I can do so again in time.

One reason that'll likely keep me up is the announcement I got in my email the other day, that Planet Zogg is throwing a one-off party the weekend after Valentine's Day, which I really want to go to, as I've missed the psytrance night a lot; I only wish I could take nix_7c0 with me, though I'm sure there'll be other people who'll want to go too.

( shinies )

It's not all been stuff for myself though, and I'm trying to be a bit more conscientious about this; I'm planning to make a donation to the Buddhist centre back home, and to some other charities as well; I'm (understandably) drawn to wolf conservation groups, but wildlife conservation in a broader context as well as any Buddhist charitable organisations, especially if they help in developing countries, are also options. The UK Wolf Conservation Trust (as, for that matter, Wolf Watch UK) is one of the main ones I'm considering, and as I'm hoping to spend some time with utlah74 sooner rather than later, it would be just perfect if we could go and see the wolves.

This is the longest time I've ever spent with my stepdad, and the longest I've been with my mother since the divorce many years ago. I'm planning to come here more often, though, and it makes me think that their plan of moving to Holland just might work, and I may even go along with them.

My father's picking me up early Wednesday afternoon, and he said he'd managed to get hold of something I've been after for a while; I don't know if there's a particular name for it, but it's like an anglepoise lamp with a magnifying lens on it, and it also has a daylight bulb. This is to help me with painting, as I can't otherwise do it under artificial light, which (especially at this time of year) really restricts when I can get it done. He's good to me, in his own way, and he's mellowed out a lot since retiring.

I'm planning to try and be more sociable this year, and I've already made a few provisional arrangements for folks to visit. There's a couple of things that I'm considering attending -- namely EF and Burning Man -- but both are currently looking quite doubtful. Still, time will tell, and I have the motivation and the plans to make life better this year than last.

It's been a pretty good new year, thus far. Didn't really do very much to celebrate it, apart from watching a DVD of a Green Day gig and getting somewhat tipsy on cava and Japanese beer. Still, it was the first time I'd spend New Year with my family in a long while, and it was kinda special because of that.

( The last few days. )

I had a pretty rough day yesterday -- thanks to all who were supportive -- but today I've been feeling very much better. I rested well, which helped greatly; I'd built up something of a sleep debt, but I seem to have fixed that now.

I've managed to do a couple of somewhat creative things today. I have an old shirt that used to be white and had gone a bit off-colour, but I really like the print and I wanted to keep it. So, I bought some dye the other day, and today I dyed it cherry-red, and it looks great, even better than when it was new; I'll post a picture when I get back home.

I also learned how to do marbling, and made several prints. Once these have dried (which will take place overnight) I'm going to transfer them onto some plain tshirts I bought yesterday, to make some unique designs.

I got a few other things yesterday, which I haven't yet mentioned. The video store was having a sale on ex-rental stuff, so I got some DVD's and a game. The films were The Final Cut, which we watched today -- a pretty interesting, if subdued, sci-fi; The Machinist, which looks really interesting and also stars an actor I like, Christian Bale; The Jacket, a great film that I've seen once already, but only on DivX; I <3 Huckabees, a comedy with a great cast that I've heard nothing but good things about; and finally Constantine, the movie adaptation of Hellblazer. I saw part of it with friends, and thought it was good enough to get hold of. They also had, for PS2, a classical-music based rhythm action game, Mad Maestro, for a dirt-cheap price. I'd wanted to check it out in the past, and I'm glad I finally did, as it's really quite good.

Talking of games, I’m definitely having fun with my DS; I just wish I had more things to play on it, though I’m really getting into Another Code (Project Rub isn’t bad, but perhaps not as good as I’d been expecting, or maybe it just isn’t quite the right sort of game for me). Also, I got an email a day or two ago to say my order had been sent out; I found a site specializing in rare PS1 games purely by chance (I clicked an ad on GameFAQs) and found two that I was after, Devil's Deception (I have the second and third games in the same series) and Psychic Detective, which I really enjoyed when I had it for the 3DO. I should also have a copy of Genji waiting for me when I get back home.

I’m not planning to go back home too soon, though. I managed to get hold of syrenwolf, and (as expected) I was worrying about nothing, and he really wants to see me too. We’re going to sort something out for early next week, in all probability. For now though, I think I’m going to get a (comparitively) early night, and perhaps work on music a little before bed.

It's been a really, really good Xmas this year, for the first time in ages; there's a lot of things that have made it that way, and I guess I'm about due for a catchup post.

( This is kinda long. )

Anyway, I really hope everyone else had a good time too. I came here feeling fraught, and now I'm happy, peaceful, and feel a hell of a lot more together. Like I said, a really great Xmas. :)

The solstice on Wednesday was a quiet day for me; I went to pick up my prescription not long after I woke, but felt very tired and retired to bed not long after returning. As a result, I didn't wake up again until about 7pm; this meant that I could either head out straight away and go to the puja (ritual type thing) at the Buddhist centre, or attend to the more pressing fact that I was hungry and thirsty, and needed to sort out the packing and other preperations necessary to go visit my family for a while.

I went to bed early, having felt tired for much of the day, deciding to prepare for the trip in the morning. This being done, I crashed out for a while until my father arrived to pick me up. I got what was missing from my prescription en route, and before all too long arrived at my mother's place. I was pleased to find that both parents were really happy with their cards, as I'd spent quite a while finding ones I thought they'd like.

We ordered curry for dinner, which was good, and watched some TV; I never watch it at home, so it's a bit of a novelty. One of the shows we watched, I forget exactly which (some police drama as I recall) was having an Xmas episode, and one of the characters in it said she'd been raised Buddhist, and that her family didn't have the conventional trappings of the season, but instead had things such as hanging garlands of jasmine flowers, and drinking sweetened milk flavoured with cinnamon.

I have a real longing for some kind of tradition like this; I'm trying to regain some measure of that by seeing relatives for Xmas, and probably having a traditional dinner with my father on the 25th itself, as well as trying to become more gradually more involved in the Buddhist community.

I'm going to be seeing my grandparents tomorrow for the first time in over five years. Hope it goes okay.

So, I was up late last night listening to lumin_esc's show on LT3M, but I still managed to be up at a reasonable time to get into town. Today was, as ever, a busy day; perhaps the most notable thing that happened was seeing someone pass by on the street (while I was on the tram) who looked exactly like ruadh. ( I'm still going to write about all the rest of it though. )

I'm going to see my folks this Xmas, for the first time in a few years, and it just seems I'm getting frustrated at every turn as I try and sort things out before I go away.

( yeah, just kvetching )

It's been a really good weekend, all in all. While I was dismayed that I missed the last Zogg for the forseeable on Friday -- Nanaki offered to help me out towards getting there, but I got his message too late -- I got to see shirosirius instead. We'd been meaning to meet up for ages; we've known each other online for quite a while (and get on really, really well) but never actually met in person. I stalled a lot because the amount I like someone is always proportional to how nervous I am about seeing them. In the past this was worse, to the point where I'd actually become physically unwell from nerves, but it still had an effect this weekend. Fortunately this passed before all that long, along with initial awkwardness, and we had a really good time together.

We mostly just played games and talked, and he didn't complain about anything at all, seeming entirely content to go along with whatever. It was a pleasant surprise to both of us to find how much we had in common, and we share a lot of the same interests and tastes. I just wish I hadn't been so shy in the first place.

After a while, we ordered takeout, but in fact ended up with considerably more than we could manage. Still, it wasn't a problem. There was a vague idea of going to Corp, but we left that too late. It was pretty cold around the time we wanted to get some sleep, so I turned the heating on, but unintentionally left it on overnight meaning that the apartment was really warm this morning (and that my gas bill will be bigger).

He had to leave not long after we woke up, so I went with him to the train station to see him off, but hopefully we'll meet again soon. By chance, I saw on the departure boards that a train was going to Exeter St. David's, where I used to go and visit ruadh, happypenguin, catkin et al. This left me wondering when and if I'd get to see them again, but I hope it'll be sooner rather than later; we still keep in touch now and then. Although my friend had to leave, I still felt in a really good mood for having seen him. The weather was good, too; not very cold, and the sun was shining brightly. On the way back home, I found a five pound note on the path and swiftly pocketed it, as there was nobody else around.

Since getting back home, I haven't done all that much; just played a few games and watched a couple of episodes of Charmed, having recently got hold of the first season box set at around half the normal price. I've been feeling calm, peaceful, and relaxed; just generally happy, really.

Today's been an odd day. First time I've felt anything like alright in about a week; mainly been in quite a good mood, in fact. Killed time online for a bit, filing another turn of Monster Island in the process (though I'm not entirely sure why I still play that; I don't get a huge amount out of it these days). I was itching for an excuse to go to town, so when I discovered that my Dreamcast wouldn't boot off CD-RW's (the only writeable media I had left in the house), I decided to go out for what I thought would be a brief trip to pick up some more CDR's, and possibly the new DDR (well, Dancing Stage over here, but it's the same thing), which I later found much more cheaply online. I also meant to buy candles, but totally forgot; I usually read at bedtime by candlelight, but the other night I was so tired I fell asleep before blowing the candles out, and thus woke to find them completely burnt out, and I didn't have any more left.

Anyway, as it happened, I bumped into Nanaki and nidonocu (and, briefly, calihusky), and ended up going around town with them for a while. I also finally managed to get the right version of Doom 3; I'd bought the limited edition, but been given the disc for the standard version. It took them a while to source another copy, but they got it in the end, and said they'd give me a discount on preowned stuff for a while, so no harm done. I'd not seen them for quite a while, and I had no other plans, so I decided to go back to their place for a while.

We chilled quite pleasantly for a few hours; Nanaki provided some interesting tea (no, really), and I got to try out a couple of games that I'd not seen before. Also got to watch a few shows and had some food round there, all in all time well spent. I started feeling a little unwell though, and the weather was turning bad, so I decided to head back home sometime after eleven. Nanaki walked with me until I found somewhere I recognised -- not so easy given that I've mislaid my glasses -- and it turned out that they don't live as far from me as I'd previously thought. I would have stayed the night, if circumstance had allowed, but that just wasn't possible.

The walk back home brought back a few memories. The last time I'd visited was some months ago when hytiger was over there and wanted to spend a bit of time with me, and I'd traveled both ways by car so I wasn't entirely sure where their place was (the fact I wasn't especially well at the time didn't help matters). The route back took me past where I first lived in Sheffield -- or it would have done, if the building hadn't (mercifully) been knocked down some time ago. Still, even being in the area made me think of that time; I went past as quickly as I could through the cold.

Since getting in, I've been trying to work out what to do with my weekend. I was originally going to head to Manchester and meet up with a few friends, but that didn't work out for money reasons. There was a plan for shirosirius to visit, but that fell through as well, partially due to my own indecision. snowfields said he might come over, as we've not seen each other in quite some time, but I don't know what's going on with that right now. It's looking like I may end up meeting up with Xantin-who-isn't-xantin for a coffee or something, at most. Still, I've got plenty to occupy my time, even if I don't spend it with anyone else.